I see a lot of people looking so beautiful and handsome on the outside but when they speak to you especially concerning what you disagree with, their words are nothing short of manipulative and controlling. Have you met people who play with your mind instead of coming out straight to ask you for something they want or need your help with. When they do something wrong, they immediately turn the table around and play victim and suddenly make you feel guilty about something you know nothing about. This is termed verbal abuse.
Verbal abuse is the use if words to demean, frighten, control, insult, humiliate and manipulate someone. It most times happens out of no where in a relationship. It makes the person on the receiving end to second guess themselves, blame themselves or even wonder if they are over reacting. Often times, the verbally abusive person calculates his words and therefore it is insidious. It is usually done in private where there won't be a third party interfering. Verbally abusive people are usually so sweet and kind and loving in public but turn to something else at home.
Reason why people are verbally abusive
The main aim of a verbally abusive person is to maintain power and control over another in a relationship. The relationship spoken about involves friendships, family relationship, relationship between colleagues and romantic relationships. People can also be verbally abusive when;
- They have a low self esteem: they see how confident you are and want to bring you down to their level. They are need your attention but don't want to ask for it because they assume you'll see them as weak.
- They know they are doing or have done something wrong but do not want to own up to it and take responsibility for their action and change their behavior.
- They are not willing to make effort that can produce changes in themselves but they want the other person to change.
- They feel threatened by your strong personality or achievement or determination. Something about you just threatens them.
Certainly there are other reasons which I have not mentioned why people are verbally abusive towards others.
Different forms of verbal abuse
Verbal abuse does not just begin. It is usually a sum up of events that takes place over and over again and in most cases, it is not easily identified until it has become a normal. It comes in various forms including;
Name calling: shouting at a person on a regular basis or being always ready to call them names is a form of verbal abuse. People disagree all the time because they have different personalities. But arguments that choose yelling and use of aggressive phrases over stepping away from an argument or trying to peacefully discuss an issue is a very unhealthy form of communication.
Demeaning Comments: putting someone down using words that refer to their race or ethnic background or gender or religion is unhealthy. At first, it may come as a joke but then it happens over and over again and should not be seen as normal. Truth is, if you really care about someone, you should never use something inherent in them to put them down.
Blame: this is a common form of verbal abuse which involves blaming another person for your action instead of taking responsibility for it. It also involves blaming someone for something they know nothing about.
Accusation: continually accusing someone for something is also a form of verbal abuse. This makes the person on the receiving end question themselves on whether they are doing or saying the wrong things.
Gas lighting: do you make others wonder if their feelings are meaningless or wrong by discounting their emotions. Doing this makes the other person feel unable to express their feelings and also destroys the relationship.
Circular Arguments: continually disagreeing with people and always starting an argument whenever you get an opportunity is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Communication that leaves you tired and drained and makes you feel like you're walking on air bubbles is very poor. Surely people do not always agree on everything but there should be mutual acceptance.
This article is meant to address both the victim and the abuser in a verbally abusive relationship. A verbally abusive relationship maybe saved or not but the persons involved can change and be better either together or not.
To the victim, the goal of verbal abuse is to make you think less of yourself and always feel guilty about something when you're not supposed to or have you feeling you're always on the wrong track. It makes you loose your self confidence, esteem and worth.
- As a result, you have to remind yourself of who you are.
- Set clear boundaries and reduce contact with the abuser.
- Avoid getting into an argument with the abuser so as to avoid the situation from reoccurring.
Since this causes emotional and psychological harm, talk to someone who understands the situation or a certified counseling psychotherapist.
For the abuser,
If you really want to have a better and healthy communication and relationship with people you really care about, you have to look for a solution to verbal abuse inside you. The answer is inside you not on anybody else.
Develop a personal boundary, decide on what you want and what you feel is right for you and enforce these boundaries. Being afraid to ask for what you want because of fear of expressing yourself, avoiding confrontation and being truthful with others because of the consequences and manipulating people you care about to get what you want is cowardly. So never choose the easy way of making other people suffer for your refusal to change your behavior.
Be empathetic: your feelings and emotions should not be the only thing that matters to you. Try putting yourself in the position of who you are trying to manipulate and control. How do feel being in that shoe? Tho helps you know how another person feels when you behave the way you behave and until you do this, you can never really understand what you put other people through. You can just be sure and observe that people tend to stay away from you after they've been with you over a short period of time.
Be a source of happiness and love:
Relying on another person as the sole source of happiness and love in a relationship is the fastest way of draining that person's energy and disintegrating the relationship. Endeavour to also be a provider of the happiness, love, kindness, peace and whatever else you want to experience in your relationship with other people and build the relationship up.
Learn and practice acceptance:
One thing you can give to someone you care about is allowing them to be who they are and do what they feel is best for them. So even when you are not in agreement with who or how a person is, supporting them regardless is a sign of acceptance.
In summary,
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear".
Ephesians 4:29
"Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone".
Colossians 4:6
"A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit".
Proverbs 15:4
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger".
James 1:19
Your comments are welcomed in the comment section below, thank you for your time...
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